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Fresh from Saturday’s victory between the hedges, I am back in the saddle and ready to cast my belated ballot to determine
which of two scoundrels is the lesser evil in the Georgia gubernatorial race the order in which the twelve teams of the Southeastern Conference ought to be arranged. Here is how I see the league at this point in time:
1. Auburn Tigers (10-0): The good news for the Plainsmen is that they’re undefeated. The bad news for the Plainsmen is that, given the history of their program, an undefeated season at Auburn pretty much has to be accompanied by an NCAA investigation. It’s like convening a grand jury as soon as a new mayor is elected in Chicago; it just saves time.
2. LSU Tigers (8-1): Fortunately for the Bayou Bengals, a team’s record contains a number for “you win some” and another number for “you lose some,” but not a number for “how you played the game.” Seriously, were any of us surprised to learn that Les Miles is on grass?
4. Arkansas Razorbacks (7-2): For my birthday last week, my wife and children gave me a membership in Zingerman’s monthly bacon club, which began with Tanya Nueske’s Wisconsin Applewood-smoked bacon. That’s neither here nor there, really, but I thought I’d mention it in relation to the Hogs, for the benefit of upcoming Arkansas opponents who are interested in feasting on the flesh of the enemy. Clearly, that didn’t help South Carolina in this weekend’s battle of the barnyard, though.
5. Mississippi St. Bulldogs (7-2): How ‘bout them ‘Dogs?
6. Florida Gators (6-3): Deep down, we always knew the Sunshine State Saurians were going to cruise to a first-place finish in the SEC East. We just didn’t know that achieving that feat would be less impressive than winning the Big 12 North.
7. South Carolina Gamecocks (6-3): Columbia is home to a quality college baseball program that produced the 2010 national champion. Perhaps the Palmetto State Poultry’s solid diamond tradition explains their sports programs’ propensity for ceasing to play after the World Series ends in October.
8. Georgia Bulldogs (5-5): The Bulldogs rank fourth in the league in scoring offense, they rank fourth in the league in scoring defense, and they’re .500 ten games into the season. What’s wrong with this picture?
9. Kentucky Wildcats (5-5): That couple who got married at a tailgate before the Wildcats’ homecoming loss to Georgia will be relieved to learn that, in the Bluegrass State, John Calipari is vested with the authority to grant annulments.
10. Mississippi Rebels (4-5): Admiral Ackbar really dodged a bullet on that whole mascot selection thing.
11. Tennessee Volunteers (3-6): The Vols can hang half a hundred on an in-state opponent any time they like. It’s just those teams from the other 49 states that give them trouble.
12. Vanderbilt Commodores (2-7): Robbie Caldwell comes across as an exceptionally likable fellow. We all know where nice guys finish.
Honestly, those rankings seem pretty clearly set in stone to me, but I welcome your constructive criticisms in the comments below.
Go ‘Dawgs! Auburna delenda est!