Content provided by Garnet And Black Attack.
I know it’s a dark time for us right now — the morning after a nationally televised drubbing. So this is a humorous attempt to bring some levity to the situation. No disrespect to Cam, Auburn, or their fans. This is strictly lampooning the broadcasters.
While it might have proved to have been an unenjoyable experience to watch the Cocks in Atlanta, at least those of you who attended didn’t have to suffer through Verne and Gary as I did yesterday. I agree with GamecockMan–I usually kind of like Gary Danielson. But I think he might have joined Verne for a few highballs before this one. Both were off their game. Verne, as usual, littered his play by play with erroneous calls and general senility. Gary had a mouth full of marbles a few times, seemed a bit sluggish, and pretty much took every spare second to talk about Newton, whether he was on or off the field.
I’m not so naive as to think that announcers are going to watch a controversial Heisman shoo-in leading his undefeated team to the SEC Championship, and then afford equal time to their flatlining opponent. But even with that in mind, Verne, Gary, and the entire CBS production crew were putty in Cam’s hands.
So for those of you who were at the game…here’s an EDSBS-style recap of the announcing highlights:
(intro graphic package)
Verne: Welcome to CBS’ coverage of the 2010 SEC Championship game featuring the Auburn Tigers! We’re here in Atlanta, Georgia, and we’re ready for football! Gary, our keys to the game.
Gary: Well Verne, it’s all about Cam Newton. #2, 6’6″ Cam Newton. Speculation about player benefits is swirling, but the young man is playing his game, not worried about anything off the field. Cam Newton. Also, Nick Fairley, the playmaking lineman. And Cam Newton.
Verne: Hoooo yah. Cam Newton, the 6’6″ phenom well on his way to claiming the Newton Award. I mean the Heisman Award.
Gary: You know, Verne, there are several subplots at play here. For instance, Cam Newton and his off-the-field issues swirling, Gus Malzahn and whether or not he’ll be around next year, swirling off-the-field issues regarding Cam Newton, Nick Fairley, Cam Newton issues all a’swirl, Guz Malzahn, and Cam “Swirlin’ Issues” Newton. Just a few factors to keep in mind.
Verne: With that, we’re set for kick-off!
(USC runs a play)
Verne: 4 yard gain by not-Auburn.
Gary: When you look at the replay here, the player I want to key in on is Cam Newton. You see him on the sideline there, drinking Gatorade and adjusting his jock. What can’t you say about that guy? He’s dynamic, plain and simple. Obviously he’s able to focus despite off-the-field issues SWIRLING.
Verne: Newton takes the snap. Draw play, up the middle, for a minimal gain.
Gary: Actually Verne, that was a 75 yard touchdown strike.
Verne: D’oop, so it was! HUH-HAW!
(Cam Newton gains three yards on a keeper)
Verne: WOW. GUESS WHO? WOW.
Gary: Verne, I’ve been saying it all game, it’s plays like that. You know, it’s a ho-hum play if anyone else had the ball, we’d make little ado about it, but that just doesn’t apply for Mr. Newton. And how about NICK FAIRLEY.
Verne: CAM NEWTON
Gary: CAM NEWTON
Verne: CAM NEWTON
Gary: SWIRLING ISSUES.
Gary: I’m just gonna come out and say it, Verne. I am physically aroused by Cam Newton.
Verne: Oooooh yah.
Gary: Look, he’s got it all. Flawless skin, high-set cheekbones, immaculate teeth. I am at, this moment, questioning my heterosexuality on national television, and that’s what a guy like Cam Newton will do to you.
Gary: You know Verne, it just struck me that Swirling Issues would have been an excellent name for a Dickens character.
Verne: Indeed it would Gary. You might say Auburn fans had Great Expectations for these Tigers! (audible high-five)
Verne: And now as the game is well in hand, we see the second string out on the field. Let’s cut to an extended shot of Cam Newton on the sideline between every play. Or hell, just keep the shot on him at all times! Who gives a damn about the game at this point! Oh look, Cam just leaped up into the student section and solved a Rubiks Cube while playing knee-cymbals and giving a beaming Bo Jackson a piggy-back ride! WHAT CAN’T HE DO! ADD IT TO THE LIST!
Gary: Nothing, Verne. The answer…is simply nothing.
Verne: Well that’s it, Auburn wins big!
Gary: Next stop: Arizona, to take on the Oregon Ducks, who tonight took care of the non-Oregon Ducks in sound fashion.